the beginning of the journey...
At age 34 I had a mental, emotional and physical breakdown however through it I understood that my spirit was in bad shape - i was saturated with low vibrations and was willing to give up on myself. looking back I had to breakdown to breakthrough, I can't remember what lit the fire but i am grateful for that magical moment. I forced myself (YES forced myself) to try something completely outside of my comfort zone, YOGA it was, I singed up for a teacher training course and at the end of our training we had to write our experience and share with our class... the below is what I wrote, it is lengthy but it really gives you a vulnerable piece of the puzzle
As I was trying to figure out how to start my speech I came across a post my great friend wrote about Kobe Bryant the day he retired - it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am not a Kobe Bryant fan but his enthusiasm and drive are unparalleled. So I ran with it...
“The Kobe I remember is the one who had 4 air balls in one game, the one that failed to win a playoff game back in 97', the one that didn't pass the ball to Eddie Jones standing wide open to his left, the 18 yr. rookie who had everyone saying "damn kid cost the Lakers the playoff game, trade him back to Charlotte".... Before all the wins and championships, this was Kobe. His rise to the top for me is a another 20yr ride I'd watch again because it shows you that no matter what you do in life YOU WILL FAIL but what you do with that failure is what makes you. If you listen to the Monday morning quarterbacks or the hindsight predictors you'll continue to fail. If you want to succeed separate yourself from the ones that don't share your drive for greatness. You'll make enemies who were friends, you'll lose family members who are ancient in their thought process but in the end it's all about you and what you want to accomplish.”
It made perfect sense… nobody is born a legend, every passion requires practice, determination, and above all patience. We must become kind to ourselves and allow the process to be as it needs to be and not expect perfection from the start. There has never been a time when the beginning wasn’t rough and raw, there has to be a starting point a movement of some sort to pave the way and create a foundation.
I realized I could have practiced more compassion and acceptance through this experience, but that is exactly the point –it is not until you climbed a few mountains that you can appreciate the view from the top and notice what you could not see during the climb.
At the beginning of the T. T we were asked “what is Yoga and why do I practice” I would like to share with you all because although I’ve evolved through it I am so happy that my meaning still stands to be true -
“What is Yoga to me? I would have to say my personal definition of yoga would be “a platform where subconscious and conscious meet to become present with my soul”. It is an attendance of all my emotions and feelings, where life stands still when I land on my mat. It is vulnerability at its best.
I practice because it makes me aware, a constant reminder that I am my own strength and weakness. I am grounded as I explore my ability to interact with my body and mind at the same time. Where I battle through my insecurities and become present of my ability to accept me as I am. I left yoga about 7 years ago because I was unaware of myself and through those 7 years every time I was at a breaking point I would always remind myself what yoga did for me when I was practicing. Not only was my body is amazing shape, my soul and spirit were in amazing shape as well. And because I am now at a breaking point I realized that my body will go where my mind will take it, I crave accountability as well as intimacy with myself in order to expand my mind body and spirit. I practice because perfection isn’t a reality, it is like hate – it only exist where love lacks and love is everything. I practice because accepting myself is an open door to loving myself and creating a home within
The most interesting part of this entire journey is I did not realize that this is the first time I pursued a dream… I am 34 years in and for the first time I decided to move. The entire process has been so new and amazing I finally had a moment to understand the magnitude. As a little girl growing up everything was immediate and pre-determined, live for today because tomorrow is never promised. It created great survival skills and a work ethic that brought me this far but at the same time I put myself on the back burner. Watching each day go by trying to believe I had more time, I would find the time tomorrow- well tomorrow turned into 34 years of just surviving. Pursuing this dream has showed me how to live, how to persevere even when I want to give up, it allowed me to see just how life moves on regardless of the decisions I make and how everything works out just the way it needs to. And so YES I will smile because it’s JUST YOGA… but I will also continue to follow my dreams because at the end of the day it is me that lays in my final savasana and with that said I wrote a small reminder to recite to myself while I lay in silence….
“Sit still, sit silent- hear your breath and allow your mind to follow the rhythm of its music. Breathe profoundly… Inhale love and Exhale all your insecurities. Remove the thoughts that are not in balance with your desires. Relax your body and release the tension that weighs heavy emotionally. Start from the top of your head to the tips of your toes give every part of you permission to let go and accept yourself as you are. Put your negativity to sleep for good- love the outcome and know that every second is a new beginning and never an end.”